From the recording First Time Again
I have had an extraordinarily difficult time sitting down to write. In May, as I set out to film a small series in Penticton, my Grandmother’s health rapidly diminished and I lost her only days before we started filming. Not knowing how to cope with the grief I continued on with the project. I knew that isolation would be the wrong path for me at that time. I spent long nights working with a talented crew and muddled my way through as best as I could. After wrapping the project everyone went home to their lives, and my world became a vacuum. I continued working on music for the project, but began to withdraw from social activity. As my circle became smaller and smaller I began to feel the gravity of my despair pull me closer to dangerous behaviour.
I have made a conscious choice to return to anti depression medication as I’m not able to navigate my life in any meaningful way without the stability they provide. I’m grateful for your letters of support, but at the moment I feel they aren’t able to penetrate the shell I’ve built around myself.
The world does not put itself on pause for anyone’s pain, and continues to turn regardless of how much you want it to stop. I have found no comfort since all of this has come to pass, and whatever moments of solace I can find are only a brief reprieve from my reality. The minutia of day to day things mark the passage of time, but fail to dull any of the sharpness of what I’m feeling.
I don’t know what to do with myself at this time, but know also that I’m not allowed to shelter myself from the world at large. Bills still need to be paid, the garbage still needs to be taken out, her room still needs to be cleaned. All of it feels heavy with meaninglessness, but collectors don’t relent… their condolences ring hollow when they follow them by asking when they can expect payment. I supported us both with writing and touring, and though I feel little motivation to do either right now I know that I have to keep living. I’ve spent my life working out the chaos of my heart on stage for others, so I don’t really know what else to do. Part of me hopes that the stage and an audience will bring some clarity.
In September I’ll do a small BC tour… this was in the books before the world fell apart, and will keep me in BC while I make some decisions. I’ve cancelled a lot of other upcoming shows so I can focus on putting a life together. I don’t know where I’ll go, where I’ll live, or what I’ll do, but I can’t stay in a haunted house much longer.
I’m sorry this isn’t a happier message. All of this has happened at a time when the world feels much darker… at a time when hope is needed with greater urgency. I’m just lost right now and trying to stay alive. Good spirits seem distant, but so does everything if you aren’t putting one foot in front of the other to move toward it.
You can support me at shows which are listed below, Patreon (https://www.patreon.com/shanekoyczan), or through the store. I’m posting a piece called “First Time Again” which is the one thing I’ve been able to pull out of myself during this process. Any support is welcome and appreciated.