What I discovered through 2018 is that some goodbyes are necessary. Loss has a way of sharpening the parts of our lives that were once out of focus. When we finally start to see the patterns in the way some people treat us it can be like spotting the scratch in the paint, or the chip in the coffee mug. There’s no way to keep pretending that everything is okay… that the jagged smiles don’t cut.
Sometimes walking away is the best choice you can make for yourself, but that’s not to say it won’t hurt. Pain is the cost of loving anyone. I think maybe that’s the last compliment you can pay someone who hurts you… to let them know that it hurts because you loved them. Sometimes you have to walk away just to let them know that your heart is not a joke you’re giving them permission to keep laughing at.
Forgiveness has been a complicated journey for me; it’s taken time to learn the lessons it teaches, and even more to put them into meaningful practice. I still make mistakes, but I take ownership of them and try to draw wisdom from the experience. I don’t think I know anyone who hasn’t hurt someone at one point in their lives. I know that I’ve hurt people. Maybe it was carelessness with someone’s heart, maybe it was anger, maybe it was me not listening… not hearing. I can only say I’m sorry… without caveats… I surrender into the custody of your pain, and accept my responsibility in it.
Some would prefer to avoid the responsibility of having caused pain, or done damage. You don’t really get to see a person for who they are until they show you who they are, and you don’t have to keep excusing their behaviour just because they proclaim it’s under the mantle of friendship, or brotherhood. Not every abuse leaves the kinds of bruises others can see.
So when you suck out the venom of someone’s bite just remember you don’t have to swallow it… you don’t have to let it kill you. I wrote this instead of dying. This month’s poem is called Aftermath Of A Gunshot.